It feels so great when you are being surrounded by a lot of people who admire you and who believe in you. They make you feel special and you won’t ever feel that you’re alone and nobody’s there to stay with you. You always want to talk to them and spend some quality time with them, share your stories, and even trust them with some of your darkest secrets. You also get to know them, their stories, and the kind of personalities they have. You’ll start to love them, all of them. To the point that you badly want them to stay with you forever. You will do everything for them not to leave even though their expectations from you gets higher each day. And as time passes by, the world you’ve built with them seems to get smaller and it can no longer accommodate all of them. That world became so crowded that will make it so hard for you to breath. You’ll get tired at the end of the day and you won’t feel a thing as if you have just died at that moment.
If you already got tired because you did everything for them yet they still left, let them go. It only means that they are not worth it. The people who stayed and who are more than willing to help you stand up again and encourage you to pull yourself together are the ones that you need to treasure and love for a lifetime. They will serve as your strength in times when you feel weak and they will never let you down. But here’s the thing, knowing those kind of people will never be easy because you need to get to know them more and you also need to know who will be there for you and those who will never ever get tired of you. Oftentimes, the presence of a lot of people will amaze you in so many different ways and you will always crave for them more and more each day. But sometimes, you don’t necessarily need to have a lot of people around you because the presence of the few ones who really care for you is what matters the most and it will always be enough for you to appreciate life and be brave to face whatever lies ahead of you.
I tried to convince myself that I’m already okay and everything’s fine without you. I thought setting you free is the right thing to do and our lives will get better if we go on our separate ways but lately, I realized that everything is more complicated without you, my life gets miserable each day, and I can no longer be the same person I used to be. Everything is different now because you’re already gone and I hate myself for pushing you away and for letting you go. I tried to convince myself that I really did the right thing but it doesn’t feel right at all. I always find myself thinking of you. You’re always on my mind. You’re my favorite memory. You will always be a part of me that I can’t even remove out of my entire system no matter how much I try to. You are my home and my one and only love. I wish I could turn back time and make everything right. But I just can’t. I miss you and I wish you knew. I’m sorry, love.
Whenever I look around, I always see happiness through a lot of people’s faces. It doesn’t matter whether their smiles and laughter are real or not, but still, I envy them a lot. It seems like they’re really blessed for experiencing such kind of happiness that the universe forbids me to feel. Sometimes, I ask myself why I always feel worthless even though I know that somehow, I am not. I always feel that I don’t deserve anything in this world, that I am weak and I can’t do something that will make a lot of people proud, that I am just me.. a person who always fails and has nothing to be proud of. Yeah, I’m just me and no matter how hard I try to change, I will always be me.
So here’s the thing, one day, you’ll figure out everything. All of your questions will be answered and eventually, you’ll realize that there’s always a right time to know and understand why some things need to happen in your life.
I wasn’t used to failure and maybe I still am. Actually, I am not afraid to fail myself. What I am afraid of is to fail the people I love. I don’t want to disappoint them because they always believe in me and even when I doubted myself, they still believed in me. All I ever wanted from them is to be proud of me in everything I do so I always make sure that my effort and sacrifices will not be wasted and I always do what I can to prove to them that I am not worthless and I will never be a failure and a huge disappointment at the end of the day. And of course, what will happen next is totally out of my control. There will be times that my effort will be wasted and will never be enough for me to reach my goals and to be successful in achieving what I really want in life. I’ll be going through a lot of obstacles and sometimes, I will fail and it’s definitely inevitable.
And now, the problem here is that no one has taught me how to stand up again. I have nothing but myself so I need to figure things out just on my own. To be honest, it’s so hard to get stuck in this kind of situation ‘cause I’m all alone, no one will guide me, no one’s gonna tell me what to do, and I.am.f*cking.alone. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I feel so lost. I always keep everything to myself and I never dared to ask for help. I still go on even if my burden gets heavier day by day, I don’t mind if my decisions are right or wrong, and now, I feel like I ruined everything. I don’t know why I’m like this. Well, maybe I became like this because I believed in myself too much that I almost forgot that it’s not a crime to ask for help and especially for guidance every once in a while. I almost forgot that I’m a human too and can be vulnerable at times. I’ve been strong enough and maybe, it’s about time to accept that I also have weaknesses and mistakes that need to be fixed.
I failed and I learned. Sometimes, you need to fall a thousand times for you to learn how to stand up again and face a new beginning. Don’t be afraid to fail for it will always be a part of each and everyone’s journey here in this world. Learn from it and use it as a motivation and you will understand why you need to go through all of these. So, carry on, have faith, and don’t you ever give up.
Why can’t I have you?
i. I’ve been longing to be with you, to hold your hand, and to feel your warm embrace but the distance between us always makes me feel that you’re definitely out of my reach and that we are not really meant to be together.
ii. The spaces between your fingers don’t fit mine. The universe always reminds me that I really don’t have the right to hold it forever. Somebody else owns it and that’s not me, it will never be me.
iii. I keep on pushing you away. All I ever did was to hurt you and I never considered your feelings for me because I know that you don’t deserve a person like me. You deserve someone who is brave enough to fight for you until the end and not someone who is difficult and complicated like me.
iv. You already closed your door for me and you won’t let me in once again.
v. I tried. You know I did try. But you got tired of me and you already said 'goodbye'.
I’m still looking for you in every place I’ve been. I don’t know if I would still find you but I do hope that I will be able to see you again very soon. I couldn’t blame you if you decided to leave me because I know I’ve just taken you for granted especially in those times that I still have you. I didn’t see your worth and I pushed you away. I chose the dark and the loneliness over you because I thought it’s where I truly belong. I miss you. And now, I regret everything I did. I just realized at this moment that I should have kept you and believed in you instead. I should have convinced myself a little more that you were real and you were not just an illusion that was made to hurt me and make my life even more miserable.
I’m sorry if I pushed you away. I’m sorry if I didn’t even give you a chance to prove to me that you are real. I’m sorry if I easily lost my faith in you. I just didn’t know what to do at those times. It has always been so hard for me to believe in everything around me and to force myself to be optimistic again. Everything seemed to be difficult for me because I am still broken and there are still a lot of things that have been continuously destroying my entire being and I know they won’t stop until nothing’s left with me. It’s really hard to fight if you know that you’re broken and especially if you can’t understand why. See? This is the reason why I really feel sorry for letting you go, I wasn’t brave enough to keep you and I felt that I didn’t deserve to have you in my life because I know that I wasn’t even worth it. Happiness left me because I didn’t see its worth and I just threw it away as if it was just a piece of trash so what on earth have made me think that I still have the right to find it and own it once more? Well, I guess I just lost the game, again.