i know i let you down, didn’t i?

I don’t understand why I need to go through this again. I thought I was doing well and I’m already fine but why do I still feel incomplete and broken? I don’t know the reason behind all of these. All I know is I’m starting to feel tired and hopeless once again. I don’t even know what’s happening around me, I don’t know what’s actually happening to me. I don’t know if I can still go on and do the things that I really need to do. At this point in time, I am weak, I’ve been having second thoughts about everything, and I’m not really sure if this is what I really want in my life. I am not so sure if I’m still happy with what I am doing. I always think to myself if I’m doing this because this is what I really want or I’m just doing this because this is the right thing to do. Idk. My mind has full of doubts and negative thoughts right now. I’m so stressed these past few days and I don’t know what to do anymore. I really don’t know.

“Some steps need to be taken alone. It’s the only way to really figure out where you need to go and who you need to be.” — Mandy Hale

(Source: onlinecounsellingcollege, via ding-ang-bato)

If you feel so alone and if your life doesn’t make sense anymore, try to look on the other side, try to change your perspective in life, and try to take a different pathway which you think will lead you to a better life. Sometimes, you just need to reflect and try to be more aware of what’s happening around you. You’re lonely just because of a single person? Look around. There are so many people who still care for you. They’re just waiting for you to come back. They didn’t leave. All of them are still willing to accept you with open arms even though you’ve already forgotten everything about them just because of one person, even though you’ve turned your back to them when they needed you, even though you didn’t care for them at all, and even if you gave them enough reasons to leave you. They would still accept you no matter what. Life gets worse if you will keep on chasing the wrong person, if you’ll take the wrong path, and if you’re not willing to change yourself for the better. But if you want to have a meaningful and better life, you just need to learn how to value those people who never left your side right from the start and you should also learn how to be more optimistic especially when dealing with difficult situations. Trust me, it works.

“We don’t talk anymore, and the saddest part is, we used to talk everyday.” —

(Source: sikolohistang-baliw, via mystrangesilhouettes)

He never said goodbye but based on his actions and his words, that’s what he really meant after all. I didn’t say anything instead I just let him go. At first, it was a painful sight to watch but then, as he walks away, I realized that I made the right decision not to beg him to stay. Because if he stayed, he wouldn’t be happy and for me, his happiness is the only thing that really matters. So, I just watched him from a distance with a heavy heart and eventually walked away.

It feels so great when you are being surrounded by a lot of people who admire you and who believe in you. They make you feel special and you won’t ever feel that you’re alone and nobody’s there to stay with you. You always want to talk to them and spend some quality time with them, share your stories, and even trust them with some of your darkest secrets. You also get to know them, their stories, and the kind of personalities they have. You’ll start to love them, all of them. To the point that you badly want them to stay with you forever. You will do everything for them not to leave even though their expectations from you gets higher each day. And as time passes by, the world you’ve built with them seems to get smaller and it can no longer accommodate all of them. That world became so crowded that will make it so hard for you to breath. You’ll get tired at the end of the day and you won’t feel a thing as if you have just died at that moment.

If you already got tired because you did everything for them yet they still left, let them go. It only means that they are not worth it. The people who stayed and who are more than willing to help you stand up again and encourage you to pull yourself together are the ones that you need to treasure and love for a lifetime. They will serve as your strength in times when you feel weak and they will never let you down. But here’s the thing, knowing those kind of people will never be easy because you need to get to know them more and you also need to know who will be there for you and those who will never ever get tired of you. Oftentimes, the presence of a lot of people will amaze you in so many different ways and you will always crave for them more and more each day. But sometimes, you don’t necessarily need to have a lot of people around you because the presence of the few ones who really care for you is what matters the most and it will always be enough for you to appreciate life and be brave to face whatever lies ahead of you.

I tried to convince myself that I’m already okay and everything’s fine without you. I thought setting you free is the right thing to do and our lives will get better if we go on our separate ways but lately, I realized that everything is more complicated without you, my life gets miserable each day, and I can no longer be the same person I used to be. Everything is different now because you’re already gone and I hate myself for pushing you away and for letting you go. I tried to convince myself that I really did the right thing but it doesn’t feel right at all. I always find myself thinking of you. You’re always on my mind. You’re my favorite memory. You will always be a part of me that I can’t even remove out of my entire system no matter how much I try to. You are my home and my one and only love. I wish I could turn back time and make everything right. But I just can’t. I miss you and I wish you knew. I’m sorry, love.

Whenever I look around, I always see happiness through a lot of people’s faces. It doesn’t matter whether their smiles and laughter are real or not, but still, I envy them a lot. It seems like they’re really blessed for experiencing such kind of happiness that the universe forbids me to feel. Sometimes, I ask myself why I always feel worthless even though I know that somehow, I am not. I always feel that I don’t deserve anything in this world, that I am weak and I can’t do something that will make a lot of people proud, that I am just me.. a person who always fails and has nothing to be proud of. Yeah, I’m just me and no matter how hard I try to change, I will always be me.